I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
