saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
