On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
