I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
