The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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