I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
