I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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