Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
