The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
