When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
cat food counts as protein by the way
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
