Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
