I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
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