i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
