we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
