I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
