life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
