I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You can't special order awesome
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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