Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Randomize
