everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
