Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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