By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
