I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
