Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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