they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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