What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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