Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
