You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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