I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
