she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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