Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
