put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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