i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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