some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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