Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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