i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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