and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
