Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I will pee on everything he values.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
