I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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