my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
the raccoons are back...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
