that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
