you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
