FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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