i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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