I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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