My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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