Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
