I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
