Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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