I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize