Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
