Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
