I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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