Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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