I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
