words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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