just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
